We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
