Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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