You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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