see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
