Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
