be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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