Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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