im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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