Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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