at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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