ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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