Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
