Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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