my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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