I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
