o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize