Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
