I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well I just put wine in my tea
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
