Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
