Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
