I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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