My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
