I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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