That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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