I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
