I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
