I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
