I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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