Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
