I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
