I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
