she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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