the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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