so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
