Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
