Apparently you make a good broom.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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