Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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