The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize