Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
