bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
