The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
