not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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