I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize