alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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