My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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