This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize