I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you traded sex for a burrito?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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