This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
