He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
