I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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