It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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