i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
