U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
They took my balls.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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