I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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