So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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